If life was a battlefield, I'd be the one living.
Ash. 19. I prefer simplicity.
"Life has always been a huge roller coaster ride for me and now I'm really getting tired of it. I just wanna put everything down and let go."
Music is basically the food to my soul. Literally.

Please stay, I don't bite.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012

I build a wall to see if anyone has the strength to tear them down and just fill my life with pleasure and excitement. I build a wall because I'm afraid of what could happen to me. I'm afraid that I'd trust too much, want too much, need too much, love too strongly and care too much. It's a wall that I've build so I won't let my guards down easily. I keep em' up because I gotta stay focus. Let them be, my head always reminds me but my heart wants otherwise. I sometimes wonder, what type of person I would be if I wasn't the 'me' now? Would I be wild, free, rebellious, exotic and fun? It certainly boggles the mind doesn't it. 
These four walls are all I have to keep me sane and safe. I am prepared to stay within these walls for as long as I can while I seek collision between my well-being and who I truly am. 

12:19 AM

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

I've been pretty busy these past few days. Heck, I've been busy for two weeks now. Not that I'm complaining, or am I? Anyways, I'm all alone at work at the moment and I must give myself a pat in the back for bringing my laptop with me. What am I going to do for the next 7 hours? It's horrifying, I know. 
So what's new with you? Well, I sure have tons to say over the past 'incidents' that has happened. I'm not sure where to begin. It's like every wretched thought that comes across my mind is being compressed into one and I just can't absorb it all properly. It's disturbing and I find it extremely disproportionate. But anyhoo, I've come to the realization that sometimes a person who is so smart can be the most dumbest person altogether. It frightens me,  how high your ego can reach and how you're capable of putting everything aside just to cover up the mess that actually, you did not do. It's a matter of simplicity. Leave him and all will be good. I have to say, for someone who shows strength and wisdom, you're losing your mind over something so wrong. Another question comes to mind, how can something so simple end up being a total cause of havoc? Simple, because you decided to do what everybody hope you would avoid. It's like a game to you. No matter how many people you've talked to, you're still gonna breeze right through it like you don't have a choice. Newsflash baby, there's always a choice and if you're smart enough, you could make the right one. That one choice where you don't have to face any regrets with in the future. Don't you know that your family will always be here for you no matter what the situation is? They're always ready to welcome you back with open arms but there you are in the corner, thinking that by pushing everyone away, everyone who are related to me would make the past forgettable. I hate to break it down to you but it doesn't change a thing and if you're too blind to see that then all I can say is, I feel sorry for you. Hell, who I am to say such things to you right? Firstly, I'm younger, secondly, you've practically used an over-sharpened chainsaw to cut our family ties. Nevertheless, we have our rights to speak our mind and I'm speaking mine through words and through my own thoughts. I can't help but to feel dissatisfied after all the heartaches you've caused to each and everyone who were once so close to you, people who you once proudly referred to as family. I'm in no order to judge you as a human being because I, myself have   made mistakes but that will not stop me from feeling angry towards you. If this is what karma feels like, then I best say that you deserve it. I've supported you and will always do just not for this marriage. Forgive me Lord but as they say blood will always be thicker than water.  In this case it's probably diluted and I'm guessing you feel the same. You may not have my family's blessings but I assumed you have everything planned out and I hope one day we will never come to the knowledge of you regretting whatever could be fixed at this moment because as of now, I've lost respect for you. You may not give a damn but I know deep inside you, you're uncertain and unaware of what could happen. As much as I hate bringing this up, it is you I've been so confused about. 
If you're not in love, then why kneel before God pouring endless love vows to one another which you know are not true? 
In the end, you're the only person that has to make the final decision. I hope that the real you will let you be the judge of that.
Is it possible to lose one's wisdom? 
What happens when, in the end you're left all alone to reminisce about the past which you had the power to change?
I pray that you will not encounter those situations but if you do, I'm telling you that no one, not even yourself would be surprised. 
2:11 PM

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Well well well, have I been MIA from my precious blog again. Tsk tsk. A habit I can never forsake. So, how have my follow bloggers/readers been doing? August was a thrilling month. It went by too fast and I'm afraid to say that September's here and I'm just blessed and thankful to have all the people I love being alive and well. Of course, thankful for being here myself. From what I've observed these past few months, we must not take our lives for granted. When we're being given the chance to just live life, we should because we'll never know what might happen to ourselves and to those around us. At this point of time, I'm really hoping that nothing bad would happen to anyone close to me for a really long time. I may have failed to tell each and everyone how much they mean to me and how much I appreciate their existence, but deep down, I will not know what lies ahead of me and what will I become if I lose anyone I love. It has been a rough year so far and I present my deepest condolences to those I love whom have lost their loved ones. It truly saddens me and it also made me realize that maybe the world is coming to an end as there are lots of bad things happening. I wish I had the power to change the nation's point of view and just help those who are troubled. We should be able to feel safe in our own home let alone our own town. We should live freely without any worries of being attacked and we should most definitely cherish each human being. Even an unborn. Abortion should not be an option when one is pregnant. Having another life inside of you is just a wonderful thing, to me that is. Having the guts to kill an unborn child is not the kind of thing you'd like to see in this world but it happens all the time, everywhere each day. It may be frightening but it'll all be worth it when you know that you just made something beautiful inside of you. Responsibility plays an important part, you may not have it or you don't want to have it but don't forget, the people who love you will always have your back and you will soon adjust. 
Lust can be monstrous. It can ruin your life. It can suffocate you and pull you down a path that makes you feel scared and it's like you're in a dark place. You smile and you laugh but deep down you're falling apart and the only thing that can solve it is when you know you have support and love from family and from the people you know. 
Words are only words when you don't put them into action. Saying something you don't mean might just be the most simplest thing to do in life. And that is what always makes lust win. 
A deep post I must say. I hope you guys aren't too freaked out by it.
Will blog again soon. 
Have a great Sunday x
2:34 PM

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Wow, haven't been here for awhile now. So, how you doing? Oh yeah, first off, I'd like to wish my Muslim friends a wonderful bulan Ramadhan. :)
Okay, I've been busy which is good but I'm still feeling like something's missing. Sigh. If only I could fix it but it's just so hard. I'm not strong enough. I can't strive forward that easily. 
Enough with the boohoo moments. What's good is I've started gym and I've been going for 3 weeks now. Yep, it sure feels good, sweating all the toxins out, burning calories, meeting new friends and just dance the troubles away. I need to work on my flexibility though. It's bad. 
What else? Uhhh, mid-term results were bad. I feel like shooting myself. but no worries now, there's still hope. A month+ to go for Finals. I gotta take this one by the tail and turn it into a beautiful braid. I don't know if I made much sense there but you get the point.
July's been fair with me being busy and all but I sure hope August will be extraordinary. 
No matter what happens in each month, good or bad, I'd like to thank God for blessing me with such a beautiful family and amazing people around me. 
Why do I feel like I'm being such a bore? This is why I need some excitement in my life.
Oh! I might get a new phone in October, so that's exciting right right right? *happy face*

11:51 PM

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Well, hello people.
I'm currently having my mid-term now and hey what do you know, here I am blogging when there's a test on Constitutional Law tomorrow. Last paper. I hate it. It's so hard. I know I should study and all but I'm just so sleepy. I'm always sleepy during examinations. It's like a curse.
So everything is changing. The world is probably coming to an end. What is this I'm seeing on the net? Zombies? What is going on here. Then, there's deaths. I'm stunned at how much deaths had happened this year. Lots of people leaving their loved ones. It's awfully sad. 
I am truly thankful for the health of my family. I must learn not to sweat the small stuff and learn to appreciate each and everyone that means a lot to me. Time is running out. I might be leaving soon and I'm afraid of what'll happen when I'm gone. Just thinking about it terrifies me. 
So, being 19 is suppose to make you seem matured and understanding towards every situation but I'm feeling a little dramatic. I need to make new changes in life. Need to meet new people, learn new things by myself. Be independent and just live life. Sometimes, we just gotta let go of the bad things to make room for the new things that is coming our way. 
I believe that God is always fair, bad things will always happen but to balance it out, he'll provide us with good too. Life, so harsh but we still gotta live it.
These past few days I've been down but spending these remaining time with you builds my spirit up. No matter what we are, I will always love you and thank you for everything. 
So, that's all the rant I have for today. Will post again after midterm! 
I'm gonna take a nap now.
WTH, nap at 6pm? Yep, that tired. Wake me up for dinner. 
6:45 PM

Monday, June 25, 2012

How to put these feelings into words? Trying to be better at every single thing you do, trying to prove that you're not like the others, trying to show people what you're capable of doing and to show your talents and trying to convince people that you're one the "good" ones. It is hard to explain all these feelings. Feelings of love, hate, jealousy, happiness and sadness. It's what makes a person and it truly describes me. I utterly hate the fact that I feel all these things and I wish I could back up for a bit but it's pulling me even harder when I try to ignore them. It truly weakens my well-being when people you love does not appreciate or give a single care about what you did or would do for them. Sometimes, the littlest things in life could brighten someone's day and I truly believe that. At times, I feel like making a change, like getting to know new people and learning about themselves and just indulge life. When it gets too comfortable, make changes. Make life more interesting. I give myself all these advises and yet I'm wondering, can I keep up to each expectation? When something bad happens to me, one thing always occur in mind;
"good things happen to those who wait."
How much longer shall I need to wait?
The mind's rigid but the heart's so frail.
7:10 PM

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

What's up with your Wednesday? Mine was spent worthlessly. Except for the morning. Sigh.. I'm gaining weight each time I spend my days at home doing absolutely nothing. All I do is eat and I don't exercise. Oh boy, let's not go to the part where 'that's bad for your health' and bla bla bla. I'm going to work out! I must! I just need a push, some motivation to get me started but since I'm pms-ing now, all I wanna do is lie down and dream all day and all night. So. Freaking. Lazy. 
Isn't it weird when we were younger, or even now, we tend to love songs that have hidden meanings in them? Hidden as in, it may contain sex, drugs, being high and broken lyrics. I guess the rhythm and beat really is important. We'll never know what a song means till we actually look at the lyrics and try to understand em. Yes, I know. This is so random. 
Woah, my aircond is facing directly towards me and I'm freezing. Also, I think it's sorta kinda my nap time. Hahahaha. 
Tata ratata?
4:26 PM

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